How You Say It Is More Important Than What You Say

Posted: April 21, 2014 in balance

#ptsd #posttrauma #trauma #bully

GPS for the Soul – The Huffington Post
How You Say It Is More Important Than What You Say
A friend of mine called me last week and said she had something she needed to tell me. She prefaced it by telling me it was really awful, she was so ashamed, she couldn’t believe she was doing it and that she was so mad at herself. Before she even told me what it was, she was teaching me how to hear it through how she was setting it up. When she finally did tell me, it did seem like a terrible thing. But that isn’t because what she did was terrible, it was because her delivery method was full of self-judgment and drama.

And I’ll admit that I did judge her. Fortunately I am well trained and was able to get out of judgment ASAP, but was reminded of something very important:

We influence others by how we say what we say more than what we actually say.

Communication is the number one way in which we connect with each other and create relationships. We all want to feel connected and related. We get this by feeling heard. And we want to be heard in a way that supports us in our strength, not our weakness. But it is unreasonable to expect the person that is listening to give us the acceptance and compassion we desire when we deliver it on a plate full of drama and self-judgment.

If you set up your communication with a lot of drama and self-judgment, you are going to be perceived as dramatic and judged. Then when you want reassurance and acceptance from others, it is harder to get. We teach people how to hear us. If we consistently communicate in a victimey way, we are perceived as a victim. On the contrary, if we consistently communicate in an authentic way, we are giving people the opportunity to see the Truth of who we are.

Consider your delivery method whenever you communicate. There are the words you are saying and then there is the energy your words are riding on, which is more impactful than the actual words you are saying!

The other thing to consider around your delivery method is when you are highly charged or upset about something. In those moments you probably have something that feels really important to communicate; however, if you communicate it on energy of anger, blame or resentment, the other person is going to immediately get defensive. And defensive ears are deaf ears. Save your words for after you get the charged emotion out in some other way.

Remember, your delivery method overrides your words. Check in on the energy you are in before you share something. I understand that this is not possible all the time because in the heat of the moment, words just come out. As your grow in your consciousness, your communication will change. As you become more aware of the love you are and that you can truly do nothing wrong, your delivery method will become less dramatic and more authentic. And as you become more aware of the love that we all are, the more loving all of your communication will be.

With love,


Boise Bipolar Center, Charles K. Bunch, Ph.D, Boise Idaho Therapist Mental health photo 2168_zps680c452f.jpg


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